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I got this as a send in my email. Having sent it around,
I then got a hilarious note back from my cousin, Marsha Holland.. read
both.. you're going to fall over laughing.. those of us older women
truly will need to keep Depends handy with these two.. hugs, all! Bekki
I actually
kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm
Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to
ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need
you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the
waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?"
I'm
thinking, "Belinda try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call
me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It
takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG
in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar
and spice and everything nice....it's Spandex. We can be
stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of
square glass and still pop back into shape.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally)
to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy
toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I
answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why
not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and
finish me off?
My body
was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other
boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass)
when we heard, then felt, a zap! Complete darkness and the
power went off!
"Oh,
maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda
headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are
you?" I shouted.
Belinda
kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be
righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's
exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling
from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between
glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type
greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter
disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as
though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin
and, making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said,
"Oh, I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally
forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we
upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
between the clamps........
~*~*~*~*~
To which Marsha
replied with HER medical anecdote:
This
reminds me of my story.
I have
an artificial right hip with an odd complication.
Occasionally, at inopportune moments, it dislocates.
The leg becomes completely detached from the hip socket
when it slips out of the back of the socket. When that
happens, the femur head snaps up to the region of my
waist, and I am completely and painfully immobilized
until the paramedics come to get me, hoist me to a
gurney, take me to the ER and call the local ortho guy
to come manipulate my hip back into it's proper place.
Did I mention good drugs are involved in this process?
This
has happened to me about 15 times since 1993, usually
while completing a completely ordinary daily activity
like getting in and out of bed, shaving my legs, sitting
down... In the winter of 1999, I was in my shower in my
ensuite bathroom, when I dislocated my leg while
standing up in the shower. As you might guess, I
dropped like a rock, and ended up on the bathtub floor,
in a sitting position with my back up against the
faucet.
"Hmmm..., I thought. I'm not too uncomfortable so far.
How shall I summon help?" I called for Mom. Nothing.
The conditioner bottle was within my reach. So...I
conditioned my hair. (A girl has her priorities.)
Then, I used the bottle to beat on the side of the tub
until Mom heard it and came to investigate. Distressed
when she found me, when I asked her to dial 911, she
left the room and didn't come back until the paramedics
showed up. Therefore, when they suddenly appeared in my
bathroom, I was sitting there completely naked with 5
young men just staring at me, trying to figure out what
to do to get me out of the tub.
Eventually, a solution was found. They ineffectively
gave me a shirt to put on backwards (it fell off),
pumped me full of morphine via IV drip, and one lovely
young man climbed into the tub with me, had me lock my
hands behind his neck, and hauled me to a standing
position on one leg. Then I had to sit on the side of
the tub (while he held my useless leg out of the way),
moaning in pain, pivot, and then lean back to get on a
back board so I could be transferred to a gurney. Naked.
With 5 guys just standing there looking at me.
At the
time, we all decided that in retrospect, this would no
doubt be funny. And you know what? It is.
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